Often, when a relationship comes under some pressure, people will ask, ‘Is it all over?’ or ‘Does this conflict mean the end of the road for us?’ When steps to building a healthy marriage are not put in place, then, over a period of time, things could seem pretty bad for a couple, leaving them feel as though their relationship is over.

Three years ago I listened to a couple's own story who went through this, but came out the other side - together. This was because they put some healthy steps in place to enhance their relationship. As a result, the relational slide stopped in its tracks, did a 180-degree turn, to a stage that today they are invited as speakers to conventions on marriage enrichment.

Their story went something like this. After seven years of marriage they thought their relationship was on the rocks. During those seven years they realised that they had two very different personalities, they had two very different sets of values, and their backgrounds were totally different. As a result, their relationship was full of unresolved conflict that constantly built upon itself. Finally they went to a marriage counsellor as a last ditch measure to try to save their marriage from going to the divorce courts.

When I heard their story, I thought it was impossible that they could ever have been in that situation. They had been married 20 years when I heard them speak. I saw a couple who were very much in love with each other. I saw a couple who had learned to laugh together at their differences, and who had learned how to turn these differences to become their strengths in their relationship. I saw a couple who had good conflict resolution techniques and good communication skills. The thing that made the difference for them was that they had put in place healthy steps to enhance a healthy marriage - as a result their marriage was saved. Steps that are taught in Scripture - that of developing mutual respect.

If we recall from last week Paul has been talking about living a Spirit Filled life from verses 1-20. And he gives us a clear idea as to what he means by this in verse 9 when he tells us that a spirit-filled life is a life of goodness, righteousness and truth. A great deal of what he talks about has to do with our interpersonal relationships. From the beginning of chapter 4 he has spoken of our relationships with one another and our relationship with the Lord.

Here, in verse 21, Paul reflects back on the nature and reason of our relationship with one another and he looks ahead to what he is going to talk about in the passage we are looking at today - namely God honoring family relationships.

Ephes. 5:21

Now this word submit is a word in our modern society that we cringe at, and for some actually causes them to get quite angry. Why?

Well, I think it is because of our misunderstanding of the true biblical definition of the word. In our society today we generally think this means being passive, living a weak life dominated by a low self-image, and/or giving up control and any sense of free will. In other words, we view it to mean leaving ourselves open to domination by another person or persons. But this is not what Paul is talking about. Certainly we need to let go of control of our lives to Lordship of Christ in our lives - but never in the New Testament does it even infer we have to give up control to another human being, simply because we live our lives under Christ's authority.

So the definition here for submission literally means to "arrange under".

The word is used in Romans 8:7 to express our need to submit to God's Law. Ephesians 1:22 uses the word to express how everything in subjected under Christ's feet. And in 1 Peter 5:5 it is used to instruct young men to be subject to older men.

So here in this particular verse it is used to describe how all Christians are called to live a life of mutual submission. Therefore, submission here means nothing more than a decision we make about the worth of another person, and we do this out of reverence for Christ. It reflects qualities of respecting one another, honoring one another, serving one another, and loving one another - because these are the very characteristics that Christ exemplified to us, and instructs us to imitate as we live Christ-centred and Spirit-filled lives.

Paul now breaks down what he means by submitting to one another in family terms. First is the respect of wives to husbands.

3. MEANING WIVES ARE TO RESPECT THEIR OWN HUSBANDS (5:22-24)

Let me say something up front here - Christ calls all of us, no matter what sex we are, no matter what role we fulfill in life, to submit to the Lord in everything. Therefore all spheres of life are included and add up collectively to keeping our lives as lived to the Lord. Therefore in verse22, the aspect of Paul saying here that wives are to submit to their husbands as to the Lord is simply another sphere of their entire lives that is to be lived as to the Lord.

Now, here we come to the controversial area of submission in the marriage relationship. Verse 23 has to be one of the most abused and misunderstood verses in terms of marriage relationships. Some people, especially men, interpret this to mean that the husband holds a role of privilege and dominance over the wife. Some go on to say that this is the woman's punishment because of Eve's sin. This is totally the wrong understanding.

Paul never even suggests that wives are to be servants (as in the slave serving lord variety), compelled to follow any and every desire of the husband. Nor does the text say wives are to 'obey' husbands, nor does this passage allow husbands to force submission. So, then, what is the role here of the wife and husband.

Well, lets look at my role as a pastor for a moment. Now, as pastor I wear a number of hats - leader, equipper, discipler, teacher, pastoral carer and so on. Let's look at the leader area.

If I am called as your leader, then does that mean you are to serve all of my desires?

No it doesn't. Why?

Because my role as leader is to be modeled not from a worldly perspective of being a 'boss', or 'being the sole authority', or 'having the right to enforce my will at the neglect of the will of the church or individuals in the church'. Nor does it mean that as the leader of the church do I have a position of privilege over others. Instead, my role as leader, or 'head' as in this case is to be modeled through the example Jesus left us. You see, Jesus redefined greatness, not in terms of being a person of privilege, or someone to be put up on a pedestal - but as being a servant (Matthew 20:26-27)

In this passage, Paul redefines 'head' as having responsibility to love, to give of oneself sacrificially, and to nurture.

So the leadership role of the husband is not self-serving but it is for the benefit of the wife.

Now, there is one last little glitch, for some, here in verse 33 here Paul says a wife must 'fear' her husband as some translations have it. Well, I think the New International Version of the Bible gives a better idea as to what Paul is meaning by using the word 'respect'. Paul isn't saying that a wife is to or should be in fear due to her husband, but that a wife is to recognize the husband's role and responsibility for her. So, how might a wife show this in practical ways.

Well negatively she should not pick on him or put him down publicly

Positively, she should, encourage him in his role, take interest in his thoughts and ideas (where they are ethical and moral), talk about his positive characteristics publicly, and ask for his opinion etc.

Next, in verses 25-32 husbands are told to love their wives.

Ephes. 5:25-32

On the other hand, Chris was a godly man. Many couldn't understand why he loved Charlene so much. They said she simply didn't deserve him - and they were right. Never-the-less, Chris was committed to Charlene. To the rest of society he appeared a fairly ordinary bloke - a tradesman in Cabinet Making. But to those who knew him said He was physically, emotionally and spiritually strong, yet quiet and gentle in nature. He was a caring man who saw the good in people - no matter who they were. In fact he was the type of guy who would talk to the drunks and outcasts in the cities Botanical gardens.

Now, looking at these two, you can see why people said 'Chris could have done much better than that'. But really, Charlene needed a person to show her an example to live by. A person who could meet her emotional needs, her physical needs, and her spiritual needs - Chris was that person.

He saw in Charlene her need, and he had her well being as the priority of his heart. Because of her illnesses, Chris gave up Cabinet Making, dedicating the next 3 years to Charlene's life - he saw the potential in her and how she could reach out in love to many people. Now Chris's mates didn't see that potential, in fact they laughed at him when he shared this with them. In fact, they tried to drag him away from her, they said, 'you need to have your own life, choose for yourself, and don't worry about her. Just send her to a shrink and they can put her away." But Chris's love wasn't something based on merely emotions and feelings - his love was sacrificial - he gave completely of himself.

Over those next 3 years Charlene did change, it was like scales being taken away from her eye's. Chris had poured his life into her - but none more than what he did at the end.

Charlene had a major heart condition. Without a new heart she would die. There were no hearts that could do the job except one. Both Chris and Charlene had unique blood types - but they were the same. As the ultimate act of love for his bride, Chris gave his heart to Charlene. Before the operation, which would take Chris' life, he said to his wife - "as you take this heart of mine, know that I am indwelling your life. Both you and me are one and so I am with you always. In taking my heart into your own life there is just one thing I ask of you. Use this heart to its full potential. For you personally, as your old blood moves through the new heart, the heart will cleanse the old blood making it new. With this newness of life, I want you to reach out in love to others just as I have sacrificially reached out in love with you. If you ever doubt your ability to fulfill this, then remember, I am with you and strengthening you always by my indwelling of your life - the love I have given you is now the love I want you to give to others." With that Chris went under anesthesia. Not only did he give of himself in his life, but he literally gave up his physical life for Charlene.

Today, Charlene shares Chris' love with others. There are times she slips back to her old ways - but then she remembers her mistake - she was doing things in her own strength and not the strength or love exemplified by Chris, and given by Chris in her life. She confesses this, gets on her feet again, and moves ahead.

I think most of you would be aware by now who this story is about. It is about Jesus' love for the church. It's about how he nurtures us and draws us out of the hole we are in. It is about how he gave up everything for us both in life and in death. And it is about how he continues to indwell our lives, continuing to nurture and guide us by the Holy Spirit.

What Paul says here to husbands is imitate Christ's love and give of yourself to your wife in love, just as Christ loved the church. Now, I am not saying here that wives are sickly or weak - but what I am emphasizing is the extent of the responsibility given to husbands.

There is no room for manipulating here, no room for attempting to please self or demanding the wife to do all the husband commands. Jesus' exemplified a loving leadership role of servitude, sacrifice, and commitment to the well being of the church. In the same way a husband is called to serve, sacrifice and commit to the well being of his wife.

So Paul calls husbands to place the well being of his wife first and give himself to caring for her.

So what is true godly love - it is not merely an emotion. It is an action expressed through foregoing one's own rights, interests and desires.

So love is the total giving of oneself to his wife.

The interesting thing that comes out from this is that both wives submitting and husbands loving require them both to give of themselves personally. Personal sacrifice is required for both wives and husbands. Therefore mutual submission is required for both (see 5:21).

Now we all know that the family in the Australian society is generally struggling. But I think that by taking to heart the words of Paul, then not only will marital relationships improve vastly, but entire families will be restored. In other words, the kids will grow in environments of love, which in turn will develop a respect, not only for their own parents but for adults in general.

5. THE BENEFIT IS OUR CHILDREN WILL SEE GODLY MODELS THEY CAN FOLLOW (6:1-4)

Ephes. 6:1-4

If not, then don’t ask for your child's respect until the model you live by is deserving of that respect - otherwise you are asking your children to live up to something that is substantially short of what Christ desires. And the message you give to them is "it is okay to ask for one thing for another, but not live that way yourself." Our role as parents requires a huge commitment. Not only to the well being of our kids in physical and emotional terms, but in spiritual terms.

This is why Paul says in verse 4 to Dad's "bring your children up in the training and instruction of the Lord." And Dad's if you are not doing that, in the sense of your own personal modeling, then you are not fulfilling your responsibility towards the Lord. You know, our kids are not something we own - they are people God has placed in our trust and care and love. Having our kids is a great privilege, and yet a great responsibility, that starts in getting our own lives right with the Lord and with each other.

So, let's work at respecting one another, loving one another, serving one another, forgiving one another, looking out for each others needs and seeing how we might meet one another's needs in our marital relationships. The by-product of doing so, I believe, for our kids, is that they will grow up with godly examples who do not hide their faults from their kids, but exemplify what love, repentance, forgiveness, and sacrifice for another person is all about.

By Scott Douglas, Pastor, Burdekin Baptist Church, 7^th March 1999