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All of us at some stage or another have suffered from foot in mouth disease. We heard a few stories earlier this evening on this, but here’s some more.
1st from some high profile people around the world:
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president." -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." -Samuel Goldwyn
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made. -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
Another foot in mouth disease illustration is from a woman speaking to the pastor of her church.
"A minister had just resigned his position as pastor in order to answer the call of another congregation. A lady in the congregation came to him and said,
"Pastor, we hate to see you go. Things will never be the same again."
The pastor said,
"Oh don't worry, Mrs. Johnson. I'm sure the Lord will send you a new pastor better than me."
Mrs. Johnson said,
"Well, that's what the last several pastors have said, but they keep getting worse and worse."
Now, we have all suffered from the aspects of foot in mouth disease which really comes from misplaced statements. Often these statements are not meant to harm. But there are times that we say things about others that are intentionally deflating - this is called gossip and slander.
So tonight we are looking at the topic "How to manage your mouth".
Gossip, spreading rumour about others, or even telling what some people call ‘white lies’ all create damage.
There are three aspects to the damage.
1. We involve ourselves in stories that are more than probably untrue.
2. We are part of a process that damages others
3. We are part of a process that damages ourselves.
Why is it that we even entertain stories that are simply untrue? and we have all participated in this at one time or another.
It seems that people get a kick out of putting others down behind their backs. Alternatively, people elaborate a story to make it sound interesting. You know what I mean? Add some spice to it, give it some substance for the shock value.
I guess the media are the professionals at this type of behaviour, that unfortunately many of us inherit through their training. An example is this story:
Back in 1985, a stretch of street swelled, cracked and then returned to normal within 20 minutes, one city official joked that it was the work of a giant earthworm.
It was a Fire Dept. spokesman named Charlie McCafferty, who made the quip. Later, they found the cause of the problem to be a natural gas accumulation. This was the official report which was then filed and forgotten about. That is until the following Tuesday. McCafferty then discovered that the weekly National Examiner carried the headline,
"20-foot earthworm terrorises city...swallows dogs."
The story told readers about a "top-level investigation ordered into the horrifying sighting of a giant earthworm."
McCafferty said he heard about the article when two frightened women questioned him about a creature that was "eating up dogs" which they'd read about in the magazine.
The tabloid quoted unidentified city officials and witnesses who said they saw the worm grab dogs and swallow them whole.
Now this story takes ridiculous proportions, but so does the elaboration by some on minor matters of little consequence.
This draws us to the second aspect that gossip and slander damages others.
This happens because:
a) Something is said out of turn that does not need to be made public information
b) A rumour is established and then elaborated upon.
c) Doubt is placed in the minds of people who hear the distorted message about the person that the message is about.
d) People then elaborate further about the person, the message is now forgotten and the person themself is the topic under discussion.
e) Finally, someone has the courage to confront the person who the rumours are about, but sadly this happens in an uncaring fashion like,
"Well, you really are not the Sally I used to know any more are you?" or
"How could you possibly even consider doing that?" or
"What on earth were you thinking?"
In other words, within the question is a disclosed statement of judgement before the person even has a chance to know what the other is talking about.
The fact of the matter is, it is not the person who the rumour is about that is in the wrong. Rather, it is the people who have participated in the story telling who are at fault which brings us to the third aspect that by participating in such behaviour damages ourselves.
Often people, when they have a problem or issue with another person, don’t talk to the person who the issue is with as the first step. Instead, they tell someone else. Sometimes this is masked as a means to get advice, other times it is simply to have a grumble with someone they know will give them sympathy. Commonly this is called triangulation.
This is how it happens?
Person A is angry with Person B. Person A does not tell person B. Instead Person A calls Person C and gripes about Person B. Person C enjoys Person A’s confidence and listens whenever A wants to play the triangulation game.
By this time, Person B, feeling lonely, calls C, and, in passing, mentions the conflict with A. Person C becomes the confidant of B as well as A. Persons A and B have not resolved their conflict, and C has "two friends". This also opens up the doorway to manipulation by Person C if they happen to be a person who likes to take control of others - in other words, they become the power player.
What damage has occurred here for A and C?
a) A can be cordial, nice, and even complimentary to B, but when they talk to A the anger comes out. LIE NUMBER ONE.
b) C is allowing themself to being drawn into the conflict which in turn gets in the way of their relationship with B. That’s the point, gossip gets in the way of relationships. It effects our opinions of others without them having a chance to defend themselves. By being drawn in to the debate then causes one time friendships and relationships to be scarred.
In essence, gossip, rumours, story telling, white lies, whatever we want to call them damages other people, damages ourselves and damages our relationship with God.
Listen to these verses and hear what God thinks about gossip and the damage he sees it inflicting.
Exodus 23:1
"Do not spread false reports. Do not help a wicked man by being a malicious witness.
Making up or spreading false reports was strictly forbidden by God. Gossip, slander, and false witnessing undermined families, strained neighbourhood cooperation, and made chaos of the justice system. Destructive gossip still causes problems. Even if you do not initiate a lie, you become responsible if you pass it along. Don’t circulate rumors; squelch them.
Proverbs 11:13
A gossip can't be trusted with a secret,
but someone of integrity won't violate a confidence.
Proverbs 16:28
Troublemakers start fights;
gossips break up friendships.
Proverbs 18:8
The words of a gossip are like choice treats;
they go down to a man's inmost parts.
Just as choice delicacies, like chocolate, are relished and eagerly eaten, unfortunately so is gossip. Gossip is something that stimulates the desire for more. It is as hard to refuse to listen to gossip as it is to turn down a delicious dessert. Taking just one treat of either one creates a taste for more. People who gossip can’t stop saying, "You’ll never believe what I just found out!" or "Have you heard the latest about Sally?"
Proverbs 25:18
Anyone who tells lies against the neighbours
in court or on the street is a loose cannon.
Lying is vicious and the person who lies about others destroys.
Proverbs 26:20
When you run out of wood, the fire goes out;
when the gossip ends, the quarrel dies down.
Talking about every little irritation or piece of gossip only keeps the fires of anger going. Refusing to discuss them cuts the fuel line and makes the fires die out. Does someone continually irritate you? Decide not to complain about the person, and see if your irritation dies from lack of fuel.
2 Thes. 3:11-12
We hear that some among you are idle. They are not busy; they are busybodies. 12Such people we command and urge in the Lord Jesus Christ to settle down and earn the bread they eat.
A "busybody" is a gossip. An idle person who doesn’t work ends up filling his or her time with less than helpful activities, like gossip. Rumours and hearsay are tantalising, exciting to hear, and make us feel like insiders. But they tear people down. If you often find your nose in other people’s business, you may be underemployed. Look for a task to do for Christ or for your family, and get to work.
So, we find that God’s attitude to gossip and lies is strongly against such behaviour. So what are the steps ahead?
The more interesting the gossip, the more likely it is to be untrue.
One of the best ways to end a rumour is to ask if you may quote the individual passing it along. If the person says no, it's possible that the rumour is just idle talk or should I say a lie.
But, if the person answers yes, you should contact the gossip's subject to verify the story you heard.
Also, if you like to spread news about others, ask yourself if you would want someone to quote you. A negative answer is a good sign you should keep your lips sealed on the matter. And a positive response should lead not to back-fence reporting but to up-front confronting.
Winston Churchill exemplified integrity and respect in the face of opposition. During his last year in office, he attended an official ceremony. Several rows behind him two gentlemen began whispering. "That's Winston Churchill." "They say he is getting senile." "They say he should step aside and leave the running of the nation to more dynamic and capable men." When the eremony was over, Churchill turned to the men and said, "Gentlemen, they also say he is deaf!"
These are the basics for building good relationships.
a) Communication
—being open, honest, and vulnerable. It means listening to what a person says and means.b) Compromise
—willing to give in to what the other person wants and to admit wrong.c) Commonality
—spending time together.d) Consultation
—asking the other person for help . . . allowing him or her to become involved in your life.e) Care/Concern/Consideration
—showing love and helping to meet the other person’s needs.f) Commitment
—sticking by someone, no matter what—not being ashamed of that person, trusting him or her totally.
T
--Is it true?If what I am about to say does not pass those tests, then say to yourself I will keep my mouth shut!
I’d like to leave you with this poem that was in a Daily Bread magazine.
In the course of your conversation each and every day,
Think twice, try to be careful of what you have to say;
Your remarks may be picked up by someone's listening ear,
You may be surprised at what some people think they hear.
Things that you innocently say, or try to portray,
Can be changed, and greatly exaggerated along the way;
Many stories change for the worse as they are retold
So try to keep any questionable remarks "on hold."
May I give all of you some very sound advice?
When you speak of others, say something nice;
Try to say good things, regardless of who is around,
If you have nothing good to say, don't utter a sound.
You may find that an innocent remark, in the end,
May lose you a close and valued friend.
Lastly, remember what Jesus commanded us in Mark 12:30-31
Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' 31The second is this: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."
When we are about to say something, ask yourself,
"By saying this am I loving my neighbour in the way Jesus would desire me to".
By Scott Douglas, Burdekin Baptist Church, 30th January 1998