SESSION 4 - THE PERFORMANCE TRAP

Review:

Pressure to be loved as a result of the fall (refer to session 3).

As a result we are pressured, tempted to believe certain lies and one is…

I MUST MEET CERTAIN STANDARDS TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF

This is the performance trap - the need to stand in front of my performance and validate myself as a person of worth.

I have to prove:

• acceptance
• belonging
• value

Therefore enough of something will make my life better. If we search enough we might find this something. However, the basis of this course is that this something can only be found in God and we can only experience it by reflection.

Sadly, people try to find the something apart from God. There thought is enough success, , will bring....

• friends
• money
• diplomas
• addiction
• popularity

When we seek meaning to, or identity in, life through these things, or that we make these things the reflection of how I feel good about myself, only illustrate that there is something deep inside me that will not settle. I will continue to feel as though I lack in particular areas rather being content with who God has created me to be.

= the shame base (the sense of having lost something - being broken, defective)

The fact is, we need to feel full, not lacking, unashamed.

2 WAYS TO DEAL WITH SHAME

You can deal with shame in the dark or in the light. Shame is a spiritual response and is a God-given capacity. The fact that we can experience shame shows us to be moral beings.

One of the marvellous qualities of human personality is the capacity to be a moral being - but with it comes the problem of shame which is a moral judgement you make about yourself.

SHAME is a God given response. So the presence of shame is not the issue. The real issue is how you deal with it. That is, whether you deal with it in the light or you deal with it in the light.

This diagram and its following explanation helps us to understand this concept:

First, let’s look at the Right side, the dark side of dealing with shame - how Adam dealt with shame.

You become aware of your condition, become reflective. An inner disquiet about yourself could be triggered by rejection by others, failure of self.

At these moments our moral condition gets exposed. If we deal with this in the dark we leave God out.

leads to...

I don’t like myself. I wish I was different I wish others felt differently about me.

leads to...

leads to...

leads to...

This is the Adamic (worldly) response.

The second way of dealing with shame, the way of the light is this:

The Bible describes a great and positive way for dealing with shame, the example here is that of King David.

(A David psalm, after he was confronted by Nathan about the affair with Bathsheba)

David, like Adam had a moment of exposure too, but he dealt with it very differently.

He became painfully aware of his differences (his adulterous relationship with Bathsheba which ended in the murder of her husband).

leads to...

In the light exposure leads us back to God. Instead of withdrawing back into the dark we turn towards God/light and seek to rectify this terrible condition.

leads to...

Taking both the need and behaviour back to God.

Facet - Confession ie. putting the right name tag to the behaviour or origin of shame (e.g. ‘God I have fallen short - I am defective.)

leads to...

BITTER/SWEET ENCOUNTER WITH GOD

We discover and experience both how wretched we are and how lovely the grace of God is.

leads to...

We become intently aware of God and His love and grace.

One of the ways you will know whether you’re dealing with shame in the dark or the light is by where it leads you.

Remember 2 Cor 7:10

Paul talks of this process ‘For godly sorrow produces repentance which saves/heals us. But the sorrow of the world leads to death (a bad experience).

We, who are involved in this programme, invite you now to begin to deal with your issues of shame in the light - that is, with God’s love, grace and mercy. Be honest with Him, allow Him to nurture restoration back to Him and to others.

We also invite you to experience this bitter/sweet encounter with God. There are things He reveals we do not enjoy. Sometimes our reaction, through negative shame, is to hide, like Adam hid, from God. But if we do this, life only gets more miserable because we are dealing with issues under our own strength. But with the bitter side of seeing ourselves exposed before God, is that sweetness comes as we see ourselves, not with Adam’s eyes, but with God’s eye’s. That is, loved children of God.

The deception, the Adamic road of the Performance Trap, leads us to seek to resolve the Shame Base by focusing on success and areas of life where we attempt to have a spiritual need met by some physical means.

See John 4 - woman

If I could have enough love from a male partner, then I would feel good about myself.

The performance trap leads us to try to fix the problem of our shame by trying harder to do better.

The problem is that exposure, failure (sin), doing wrong - this all tends to create in me a failure consciousness which I try to fix in a physical way.

The need is primarily spiritual; natural solutions can only mask the problem and because they never resolve the need must be repeated thereby developing compulsions and addictions. In time every natural solution, every point of significance through performance, must fail.

If I am functioning in a Performance Trap there will be evidenced the tension and distress of the fear of failure - since failing to meet certain standards threatens my sense of value/significance.

SYMPTOMS and RESULTS of PERFORMANCE TRAP

The areas we get caught in that are manifestations of the performance trap are:

1. PERFECTIONISM

‘I’m keeping score’

The aim is to keep score and the score has to be enough to = success.

See Motherhood,

housekeeping, clean so that others see difference

parenting, well behaved kids so my parenting reflects I’m a good Mum.

Our value becomes based on having a good score. We have funny ways of keeping score:

• the pastor says hello to me
• my husband notices my clothes
• my workmates smile at me
• my sons compliments me,
• people compliment my work.

When we don’t ‘achieve’ our desired score we get hurt and angry.

2. DESPAIR

‘I’ll never make a good enough score’

I have given up hoping ever to achieve a score that is big enough to

make me feel OK, accepted, belonging, valued.

3. LEGALISM

‘Just show me the rules’

(then I’ll know what I’m supposed to be keeping score about)

We become legalistic because its a simple way of keeping score! eg ‘Are your dresses the right length?

As long as I’m doing all the things I’ve got written on my piece of paper.

So attractive to the wounded heart because the method of scoring is obvious (legality, rules) and I know how to keep score.

4. RISK

‘I don’t want to play, because I might lose’

The problems of withdrawal. I won’t play because I might not get a high enough score and then I’ll know that all the bad things I feel about myself are really true. eg not sitting for the exam.

‘I’m not making it and I hate it’

6. ANXIETY

‘Can somebody tell me what the score is?’

I don’t know how I’m going? Is my score better than anybody else’s?

Sense of insecurity. Never certain about scoring and tomorrow. Worry now, avoid the rush later.

7. FEAR

‘I may not score enough to be someone’

What if I don’t score?

‘Have a look at my score’

- check out your own (goes well with legalism)

Pride has a tendency to make up own rules & judge others by them.

‘I hate my score and I hate your score too!

‘Let’s just make the score board go away!’

• Get enough beers.
• Smoke enough pot.

God has an answer for those who are prepared to bring their shame into the light. Sooner or later you have to face the truth. The Bible says there is an absolute truth:

MY SHAME BASE CANNOT BE OVERCOME BY PERFORMANCE. THE ONLY HOPE FOR ELIMINATION OF THE SHAME BASE IS BY GOD'S SOLUTION IN JUSTIFICATION.

More than un-loaded guilt. – Not just back to square one. "To be declared as right as God is Himself." "To be declared as holy as Jesus." My wrong to His account, His good to my account.

So JUSTIFICATION is a free gift, a declaration of God, an accounting exercise or imputation.

Let’s look at what this means:

Martin Luther saw his score (the work he had done) and realised he’d never attain righteousness in God. One day his eyes were opened to see that this righteousness is received by faith, a free gift of grace from God even extended to those who are sinners. Righteousness is not what I achieve for myself, something that I have to climb up to, but it is righteousness that God confers on me.

You see, God took of His own standard and gave it to men and women who would believe in them. He says I will make you as pleasing as Jesus is to me just by faith. We think this is not fair, but if God was to be fair we’d never make it. Our only hope is in God’s solution of justification.

So to summarise, what is justification?

A declaration by God that you are as right as God is. God will count you and I to be as holy as Jesus. (Jesus, is not ‘just as if He’d never sinned’) It’s as if you lived as Jesus did, did what Jesus did and were as morally upright as Jesus was. This is God’s gospel - not human thinking or reasoning.

What we know in the dark is ‘an eye for an eye’, you get what you deserve. But God wants to lift us up and stand us in His presence. He does this by a free gift.

You and I have the ability to come to God and be received and loved as His children. This is a gift - to all who believe.

You know what messes up a gift? It is to offer to pay for it.

We need to learn to receive gifts. Gifts are not deserved. We will learn better to understand the grace of God when we get better at receiving gifts.

God is saying, ‘Their sins, failures etc, I will remember them no more"

This is the new covenant - a free gift in Jesus. If this is the case, then what are we trying to pay off?

If we continue to remember, and go through pains, antics, performance to prove (to God) that we are sorry - then this is trying to solve this problem in the dark. God will not even bring up my sin, failures etc on the Judgement Day

If you want to serve God because you love Him and deserve to work for Him - fine. But don’t do it to score points.

GOD SPOKE, AND THROUGH HIS WORD THE WORLDS WERE FRAMED - THEREFORE, WHAT GOD SPEAKS CONCERNING ME CANNOT FAIL TO BE SINCE IT IS BY HIS WORD THAT ALL THINGS EXIST.

Sooner or later you’ve got to work out if what God says means something. Whose opinion is allowed to weigh more heavily on the scales of your spirit?

Let God’s worth weigh more heavily than your own opinions, or others. Our confidence is more in God and His Word and His character than in our own ability, performance.

This is saying we have Peace with God. The WAR’S OVER! Whether you feel it or not that’s how it is.

I have peace because…

I am challenged by the word of God to stop linking my being pleasing to God with my performance. Pleasing is now linked to trust, faith and rest.

NEITHER SUCCESS NOR FAILURE ARE AN ADEQUATE BASIS FOR SELF-WORTH.

1. Christ’s love.

2. Because sin destroys.

3. To avoid correction.

4. Because His commands are good.

5. Because He is worthy.

6. There are eternal rewards.

7. In dark would there is need for light.

I AM CHERISHED BY GOD WHO PAID A GREAT PRICE TO PURCHASE ME. I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I AM HIGHLY VALUED, TOTALLY FORGIVEN, FULLY PLEASING, ACCEPTED AND COMPLETE IN CHRIST.

Therefore…

Pleasing to God is not found in performance but found in loving and encountering His Son, Jesus.

Scripture references taken from The Message translation of the Bible.