SESSION 5 - THE APPROVAL ADDICT

INTRODUCTION:

The Lie:

Man had glory and value in the beginning. But we lost that when he sought to find our significance without the reflection of God. Instead, as we looked at last week, we try to find our value, through reflection, by other means apart from God. Therefore, we now try to build worth through our own performance or by seeking to gain the approval of certain other people.

The problem that is faced here is that the approval addict never knows self worth without the approval or favourable opinion of others.

Facets of the Lie:

Peer Group Pressure - "Unless I do what makes others pleased with me I will not find acceptance. " Fear of Rejection - "I cannot be myself I cannot let others know how I feel or what I am like; if they really know me they won't accept me"

Therefore the approval addict needs others to reflect back acceptance, belonging and value. They think:

In this session we are going to find out that this is a very dangerous thing.

Codependency occurs when people who were created to find their identity and worth in close fellowship and a close relationship with Father God, turn away from Him and seek the same things in another person.

Often this other person, who is not God, is not much like God anyway, in other words their own reflection process is also distorted. As we have said over the last few weeks, we are both receivers and reflectors, so as we relate to the other person we get a reflected view of ourselves, but this is a reflection from a distorted surface.

The human heart is constantly asking ‘What do I have to do around here to be valued?’ In reply we get back answers that help it define its inner self. Therefore, the more distorted the value system of the person we seek to find our value in, the more distorted our own self view. Consequently, the longer we relate the deeper the convictions about ourselves, whether that be positively or negatively.

Now, there are certain symptoms or consequences that go with codependency.

To have relationship with others is sometimes extremely threatening. Our value is threatened by the behaviour of others and their responses.

You can’t just allow a person to respond and then assess their behaviour in terms of right, wrong, fair etc. This is because their behaviour is so crucial to your self worth. However, this behaviour also stimulates responses in you of anger etc.

Relationships are complicated things. Since, in a co-dependent relationship, I get my value from you and your responses to me - then if your behaviour or attitude is dysfunctional, then my value is under threat. However, because I need you so badly, I cannot (dare not) evaluate you - I have to accept your behaviour and what it does to me. The outcome is that it becomes almost impossible for me to objectively assess right/wrong, fair/unfair, just/unjust, loving/unloving.

I become willing to do whatever it takes to get you to accept, value me, or make me feel I belong. In this way we invite people to pull our strings and we open ourselves to their mercy.

Every new person who comes into our contact now represents another threat. We believe we can’t just take people as they are - ie some will like you and some won’t. Our value system is built on them and their response to me. The outcome is that we avoid in order to protect ourselves from hurt and shame.

This is where we have the attitude that ‘you have to be what I need you to be’ or ‘you have to do what I need you to do’.

For example, parents whose sense of value is in their kids. A child’s misbehaviour reflects on the parent and so the child has to be controlled - not for their character development - but for the parent’s self-worth.

Or, a member of the congregation who needs to say negative things about others in order to retain some control over that person. Australians are terrible at this. If someone does well, then we feel as though we need to knock them back down to earth - back to our own level. This is a dysfunctional attitude and behaviour.

To the approval addict, life is very threatening and hard work. There is a sense you have to keep all your plates spinning. As time goes on, due to the emotional stress you put yourself under, eventually the brain and the body shut down and say ‘We have had enough’. Depression is a wonderful mechanism that God has created in us where our body says, "Slow down and sleep". An example is Elijah, after having defeated the false prophets of Baal, he fled in fear of his life. The stress on the poor guy from fear of being murdered and, no doubt, being one person standing against a whole nation, caused him to run an extremely long way. This precipitated in him lying under a bush and saying, ‘God, take my life, I don’t want to live any more’. But the Lord allowed Him to sleep it off, feed him, restore him, and get him on his feet again. Elijah suffered extreme depression in this particular incident. He felt alone, took his eyes off the Lord, and broke down because of the weight that was on his shoulders.

So, what is the answer for us? How do we recover from co-dependency?

GOD'S ANSWER - RECONCILIATION

The reason we are so vulnerable to the trap of Approval Addiction and the Fear of Rejection is that you were created for relationship, which we have been looking at throughout this course.

The key to unravelling this problem, however, is to acknowledge this - my deepest cry is for the approval of my Heavenly Father. Therefore, we need to recognise that the approval of others will never satisfy my hunger for acceptance.

Now, this is not about religion, but it is about our created identity.

One of the reasons the heart of man finds it hard to experience the truth of reconciliation is the echo from the garden of judgement whereby FATHER took on the role of JUDGE. The heart of man will not be successfully reconciled to Father until we can safely approach Him and this is the healing truth our hearts and minds need to encounter.

With this being the case, our hearts intuitively sense a kind of judgement when thinking about facing God. This creates a sense of fear. We fear and feel God will never like us. Therefore, we think we will never be free of the judgement of God. So, although we may want to get close to God - we feel we can’t. God’s roles of Father and Judge are so intertwined that we cannot relate to God.

Right/wrong - guilt - crime/punishment - judgement - law - eye for an eye.

We all know that our wrongful behaviour must be dealt with.

See Psalm 103

We need to learn to separate the two orientations/roles of Father and Judge. We need to learn to relate to God without seeing Him as Judge.

You see Fathers, loving one’s that is, are motivated differently than judges. Loving Fathers understand weakness, frailty, inability. They just want to see their kids make it. Judges want to see righteousness done.

Loving and caring Fathers think - pity, love, compassion. They also cope with weakness, almost expecting it.

My two boys are two and four. I love them both dearly, and I want to be both a good dad and friend to them. Within the context of my relationship with my kids as their dad I want to see the best for them and yet I do not expect them to be perfect. I know they will do things that are opposite to that which I want. I know that there are times that they will do things in direct disobedience to what I have asked. They, like me, will fail, and they will disappoint. It is here that I need to express my love to them in directing them towards that which is healthy and good for them on the long run. Therefore I need to discipline them so that they may see their error. This is an expression of my love for them. I want to help them in the best way I can. But deep in my heart I hate disciplining, it hurts when I see them hurt, but without it I would not be giving them proper guidance and nurture.

Up until Jesus, the world was under judgement. Jesus’ role was to end the role of Judge. The Father has taken off His wig and gown. The Father could leave judgement and allow mercy to flow. He could, through Jesus, express the loving Fathers heart He has always had.

Rom 5:8-17 says this:

No more anger (judge) for those who know Christ. But God does need to remain as judge for those who deny Him.

In Christ we reign in life. We have been reconciled back to God if we have allowed Christ to be both our Lord and Saviour. It is as if we were the run away child. In our teens we leave home thinking that we can live life as we want to without the restrictions that are handed down by mum and dad which are only there for our own nurture, never-the-less, we reject their authority, love, and guidance for something we think is better. Once out in the world though, we come to realise it isn’t as rosy as we thought. We get caught up in drugs and sex and booze. We now have the freedom we wanted, but deep inside we cry out for love and acceptance. The only love we receive is sex and the only acceptance we receive is when we join in with the drugs and alcohol. Life is one confusing mess and all we want is a safe haven where real love exists. As time goes on we then phone mum and dad and ask if they will have us back. They say, "Child, we love you and want the best, of course you can come home. Let’s work through the heartache, the disagreements. Let’s work towards understanding and restore the love and relationships we once had.

Our relationship with God is no different. He waits with open arms waiting for you and me just to call out to Him and say - "Dad, I want to come home, I am sorry, I want to work things out. I’m sorry for blaming you, I now realise it is me who walked away."

His reply, to a genuine heart will always be, "It is safe to come home, it has always been so. I love you and I want the relationship restored too, that love flows between us - let’s work things through together."

You see, Father God’s desire isn’t to be judge, but it is to be Father.

You see, Jesus abolished the point of trouble between us and God. We now have access to Father through our position in Jesus. The law of judgement has been dealt with in Jesus. Those who are in Christ now know God as Father.

You and I can now find approval in the presence of God rather than trying to find it in defective people.

FATHER HAS TAKEN OFF HIS JUDGES ROBES AND IT IS SAFE FOR ME TO COME HOME. BECAUSE OF CHRIST I AM FULLY RECONCILED TO MY FATHER IN HEAVEN. I AM ACCEPTED BY HIM AND IN HIM MY GREATEST NEED FOR ACCEPTANCE CAN SAFELY NOW BE FULFILLED. WHEN I MAKE MISTAKES I CAN STILL CALL HIM FATHER AND KNOW THAT HIS MERCY AND COMPASSION ARE CONSTANTLY TOWARD ME. I AM SAFE!