SESSION 7 - THE SHAME GAME

INTRODUCTION:

Review other 3 lies and God’s answer to each.

1. I must meet certain standards to feel good about myself...

God’s answer =Justification (See Session 4 - ‘The performance trap’)

 
2. I must be approved of by certain others to feel good about myself
God’s answer = Reconciliation (See Session 5 - ‘The approval addict’)
 
3. Those who fail are unworthy of love and deserve to be punished
God’s answer = Propitiation (See Session 6 - ‘The shame game’)
 

This session - lie No 4

The Lie: "I am what I am; I cannot change; I am hopeless. "

This may be difficult for some of us to believe, but, we make mistakes, we are not perfect, we have a catalogue of experiences that are not idyllic, we have habits and behaviour patterns we judge as unworthy but have difficulty overcoming. This provides the ammunition for the belief that there is something wrong with us that can never be repaired.

I have a person I am related to who has great difficulty in this area - and I am not talking about my wife Julie-Ann. This person has this incredibly annoying habit of knowing everything.

For example, Julie-Ann is a nurse, so on a number of medical things she has a reasonable knowledge. I recall one day when this person and Julie-Ann were talking about a common medical ailment. Julie-Ann pointed out that this person was not correct in their assumption of the best way to cure the ailment - but this person would not let up because they were afraid of losing face.

Another example is that I once encouraged a person to apologise to another due to them saying some harsh and unnecessary things to the other. They did this, but under the assumption that they would receive a reciprocal apology which did not come. So, out of reaction the person contacted me and blasted me for putting them in such a situation - the real issue, is that they felt that by apologising they had lost face.

So, in each of these situations, whether logically or not, the person felt shame. And associated with the shame was a sense of guilt. To over-ride the guilt they had to stand their ground, even if it meant causing another person to be shamed.

Shame brings with it a sense that I have done wrong and I need to fix it - I am defective. Therefore, shame leaves me feeling defective. My attempts to bring improvement and resultant failures prove my shame over and over again.

 

So what are the facets of this Lie:

1. A Past - a sense that ‘"that" incident has marked me for life’

Something I once did has made a permanent impact. I can never be forgiven. Often we have offended our own conscience and this leaves us with the conviction that we will never change.
Sometimes the root can be a simple action or embarrassing incident.
Once there was a nurse who stole 3 cassettes. This played on her mind for many years to such an extent that she believed that she could never be trusted.

 

2. Inferiority - ‘You’re OK, but I’m not as good as you’

I have talked with a number of people who have said they could never get up and do public speaking. They say to me, "I see you up there and think I could never do that - I’m just not good enough’. My reply is always that I once felt the same way - the last thing I wanted to be was a pastor because I could not stand the thought of getting up to speak in front of a group of people. You see, if God wants us to do something, then He gives us the tools to do it - but He won’t do that until we take some steps in trusting Him to fulfil His will in our lives.

 

3. Self-Punishing Behaviour

This is often a reaction to the pain of our shame, eg we can punish a child by threatening to shame them into good behaviour - but this can often lead them to exhibit self-destructive behavioural patterns.
‘If I’m no good I deserve to be punished’
BUT unconditional love is the answer and God provides that answer.
 

4. Self-pity ‘Life has turned out badly for me’

For years I believed this lie. I reflected continuously upon my parents divorce in my teens, my father’s anger thrown on to us kids, being subjected to bullying at primary school and the early years of high school. As a result I believed that nothing would turn out right for me which stayed until I was 29 years of age. I believed that no matter what I touched would turn out badly. BUT I needed to address the truth and balance the negative with the positive things happening in my life.

 

5. Passivity

‘What’s the point of trying’
 

6. Isolation and withdrawal

‘Trying is dangerous - I’m not going to get involved’
 

7. Loss of Creativity

‘I have nothing to offer’
 

8. Co-dependency

‘I need you to need me.’ If you don’t care about me I am nothing.'
 

9. Despising appearance

‘If only I wasn’t ......’
 

The Shame Game is part of a cycle of despair. What makes the Shame Game so dangerous is that it provides the fuel for low self esteem which produces the emotional pain associated with escapism, addictive behaviour and self destructive behaviour.

There is an answer. There is new life for you in Christ. God says - come back - there is no such thing as hopelessness.

God’s answer is in beginning a new life

 

GOD'S ANSWER - REGENERATION

Compare with what we have covered over the past 3 weeks:

Justification

Credited to your account as a gift. Ultimately this doesn’t change me on the inside.

Reconciliation

We may thank God that there is a way back. It’s a wonderful offer - but I’m still me inside.

Propitiation

We may well realise that Jesus has paid the price for our offences, but we remain the same broken person inside.

But this solution of regeneration is not simply an offer, but a work of God in you - to change you. I am not hopeless. I have been born again. Something eternal has begun inside me. God has put something of His own being within my inner being. I can change, God is at work in me, I will ultimately be like Him.

 

Eph 2:1
As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins,

Ephes. 2:4-9

But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, 5made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved. 6And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, 7in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. 8For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- 9not by works, so that no one can boast.

‘And you He made alive' = Yes I may have failed - but a new life has begun’

There is in Jesus the promise of God that He will plant a new life in you and you will not stay the way you are.

Everything is not hopeless - there is a new beginning.

cf 2 Cor 5:17 'Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! '

 

Eph 1:19-23

…and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, 20which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, 21far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. 22And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, 23which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

‘Paul prays that 3 things would be revealed to me.

...all at work in me.

It is so easy to believe the lie that I am defective, broken, hopeless - but Paul says that God is at work, powerfully in us.

‘I am not on my own. God is powerful in me’

The awesome power of God is at work in you - the same power that raised Jesus from the dead.

 

1 John 3:9

No one who is born of God will continue to sin, because God's seed remains in him; he cannot go on sinning, because he has been born of God.

How God does this work in me?

IF I am supposed to be a new creation, how come I don’t look or feel different.

 

Compare this with human reproduction

Note - for the rest of that person’s life not one new piece of information will be added. Those 46 ribbons of information (computer discs if you like) contain all that is necessary. For the rest of life we provide those chromosomes an environment to live and grow.

Compare this with a new mother bringing new baby home and discovering no teeth in the mouth of that baby. She says 'where are the teeth?' The fact is they are there - have been there from conception - just need to be given time to grow. Therefore, the baby just needs to be fed and nurtured, and what is in the genetic code will appear.

Compare also with a 5 year old wishing for a beard like his uncle in the photo album. Whiskers are there but just need to be given time to grow once in puberty.

The point is that we need to allow the process of maturation to take place. We do not instantly become perfect human beings when we enter into a relationship with Jesus Christ, He works in our lives bit by bit over a period of time.

‘Born = conceived and brought to birth’

(Greek continuos present - you won’t stay the same)

‘Seed = Greek word sperma’

We have received a random sampling of our Father’s attributes and characteristics imbedded into our lives. God has invested in me a genetic code - a measure of His own spiritual and moral genes.

If you want to be an overcomer, all you need to do is have God for your dad. What is naturally genetically implanted will come to pass. Just as teeth will eventually appear in an infant, so too will characteristics of hope, faith, growth appear. Because God’s work in me is certain, the lie that there is not hope is destroyed.

Being a Christian is having a supernatural encounter with God whereby He puts His nature within us.

But don’t feed on garbage. Christians won’t grow if they continue to involve themselves in the ways they used to live their lives - in disobedience to God. Therefore, we need to be continually listening to God as He guides and directs us.

The ideal environment for growth is...

There was a time in your life when you couldn’t feed or change yourself. But you grew out of that. So too, in our emotional life, we will certainly and definitely change.

 

Titus 3:3-7
At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. 4But when the kindness and love of God our Saviour appeared, 5he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, 6whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Saviour, 7so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life.

We were like v3 describes - a good description of the shame life.

But there is new life - I am not hopeless. We need to keep feeding, breathing, living, and worshipping God, because LIFE IN GOD WILL WIN.

The good news is you don’t have to do this by self effort - it is already genetically encoded in you because you have the seed of God.

Just as parents delight in their children, so God delights in us. Parents don’t despise immaturity (eg they don’t expect 10 year olds to provide their own income) and neither will God.

MY HEALING DECLARATION

In Christ I have become a new creation. God Himself has invested new life within me and there is an awesome power at work in me that will go on working until Jesus comes again. I am not hopeless. I can grow and I am changing daily into His image. I need not be ashamed.

Scripture references have been taken from the New International Version of the Bible.